Let’s take a closer look at how to do a ‘teeth pulling’ conversation and then at a way to connect on a far more satisfying and refreshingly informative level.

How to do a ‘teeth pulling’ conversation

1. Always be the first to start the conversation – YOU do the talking.

2. Always ask closed questions (ones that can be answered with a simple yes or no).

3. Keep on asking… question after question.

4. Ensure there are no silences in the exchange.

5. Get more and more disappointed…or annoyed even!

6. Give up!

How to do a ‘Clean’ conversation

1. Start off by listening… really listening… with all your senses.

2. Acknowledge what has just been said, by repeating it back to the child.

3. Then ask a Clean Question…

Choose from:-

• · …and what kind of…(repeat child’s words)?
• · …and is there anything else/anything else about… (repeat child’s words)?
• · …and where/whereabouts is… (repeat child’s words)?
• · …and what happens/ed just before.. (repeat child’s words)?
• · …and then what happens/ed?

4. Continue listening and being ‘quietly with’ your child during silent pauses, as they are thinking.

5. Enjoy the insights and the sense of connection.

6. Continue to delight in fresh new understandings!

Like most things in life, you have a choice.

You have the power to choose between frustration and fascination.

Choose wisely.

Next time you’re struggling with a ‘teeth pulling’ conversation…Think Clean!

“Learn how to turn frustration into fascination. You will learn more being fascinated by life than you will by being frustrated by it.” – Jim Rohn

To be honest, the walk home from school with the children can sometimes be frustrating for a parent. You’re looking forward to a cosy chat about their day and all you get is… a blank!

Q. Have you had a nice day?

A. Yes (or No)

Q. What did you do today then?

A. Nothing.

Q. Didn’t you do any work?

A. No

Q. What about painting then – have you done any pictures or anything?

A. No

Q. You must have done something – what about PE… or Maths?

Come on you must have at least done sums or something!

A. No

Q. So what did you do at playtime?

A. Nothing

… and so it goes on. I call it a ‘teeth pulling’ conversation. It can be irritating to say the least!

But how can you move the conversation along and encourage your child to share their experiences with you without ‘grilling’ them or ‘losing your cool’ at times like this?

In the next post I’ll be sharing two contrasting ways to do the ‘walking home from school’ chat to help you to find a way to make it more satisfying for you both.

Clean Language has many more applications in the classroom and I’ll write about some of them in future posts.

meanwhile, I’d like to ask if you would be happy enough to let me know…

… what you would like to know more about?

… what kind of applications you would like explore further?

… what else you would like me to include in this blog?

… in the coming year.

Happy New Year and Decade everyone!

My posts this year have mostly been about using Clean Language in the playground for conflict resolution. The emphasis when you’re dealing with playground conflicts is on how to move forward rather than picking apart what happened and who’s to blame.

The benefits are -

• it saves lots of time
• the outcomes are usually positive
• children learn how to work through their relationship problems independently.

As children become familiar with Clean Language they can begin to internalize the process and start to resolve their own problems without your intervention.

It provides them with an excellent model for listening too – and children often pick up on it – which can have very positive knock on effects in the classroom.

Why not give it a go

… and notice how much time and angst it can save you in the new year?

You might like to post your experiences and questions below.

Wishing you all a happy and positive New Year!

Is there anything else?

Well… yes… another Clean Language question that can be tagged on to just about anything is,

“…and is there anything else?”

or,

“…and is there anything else about… (Insert child’s words)?”

This is one of THE MOST handy questions. I use it in lots of contexts to find out more.

Well yes, another important part of the Clean Language process is what’s called the syntax.

This is the basic pattern:

1. Say ‘and’ and then repeat the child’s words.
2. Then say ‘and when’ and repeat the child’s words, honing in on a specific part of what they’ve just said – the part you choose for them to focus on.
3. Then ask your chosen Clean Language question.

This can seem a bit contrived until you have got into the swing of it, so get in the swing of quickly by using it at every opportunity.

There are times when you don’t need to use the full version of the syntax but, for the time being, practice using it until it becomes second nature to you.

Clean Language has 12 basic questions and a few specialized ones as well. For working with conflict in the playground you’ll only need a few of them, so it’s a great way to get started!

These are the questions I use most of the time in the playground when children come to me with a problem.

1. What would you like to have happen? (This invites children to focus on a solution instead of the problem.)
2. And what needs to happen for… (Insert their solution)?
3. And can that happen? (This invites children to check if it is indeed possible in the current circumstances – something else might need to happen first.)
4. And then what happens? (This invites children to reflect on the outcomes of their actions or proposed solutions.)

If you would like to start using Clean Language in the playground or your classroom now, here are the basics:

1. The first step is to trust that the children really can solve the problem themselves given your skilled support. Remember the Pygmalion effect? If you believe they are capable then they will be. (Please don’t gloss over this step – it is important – especially in the early stages when you are first practicing and have no results to look back on.)
2. Listen absolutely exquisitely to the words the children say – and the way in which they say it. Don’t make any judgments; or have opinions or try to think of solutions. Just focus on what they say.
3. Repeat back to them the words they have said (just like they said it) and ask a Clean Language question.

That’s it in a nutshell!

Of course there’s a knack to the listening and it can take a while to get into the swing of it but it will be very well worth the wait. And knowing which questions to ask is a skill that can be picked up quite quickly AND developed into quite an art in time.

Have you ever finished dealing with a conflict in the playground feeling that you haven’t really got to the heart of it and settled it for the children? You listen to them both and try to get them to appreciate each other’s perspective and (twenty minutes later) after grudging apologies are made, you have a strong sense that some of their thoughts and feelings remain unresolved -but the lesson needs to begin and so you move on.

We don’t have the time in a busy school day to play out the role of councilor or policeman to get to the bottom of things and resolve them for children, but we can make use of an innovative technique, used in both professions now, to help the children resolve their own problems.

First things first – Clean Language has nothing to do with swearing! It is a technique based on a collection of questions that are as free from assumptions as possible. They help us to get a clear idea of another’s thoughts and feelings without ‘muddying the waters’ with our own assumptions or presuppositions.

The great thing about Clean Language is that it’s based on listening skills and a particular kind of questioning that is reasonably easy to get the hang of with a little practice. And as teachers we have ample opportunity to practice it throughout the day!

Julie McCracken is a practicing Class Teacher, Clean Language Facilitator, NLP Master Practitioner, Senior Life Coach, Coach Mentor and Assessor.

I’m thinking about teamwork today and I’m reminded of a fantastic lesson in teamwork for me from the children. There were six teams, each working on developing a key to the map they had made the previous day. The teams took a few moments each to display their ‘work in progress’, explain it and ask for questions/responses from the other groups, so they could use the feedback and other learnings to inform improvements to their key to make it more user-friendly. A kind of consumer group ‘think tank thingy’.

A lot of great new ideas were generated. The final group took the floor to show their work. “What are the blue scribbly bits?” asked one class member, not being able to find it’s equivalent on the key. “Oh, that’s where Bob scribbled on it” came the reply! “What’s that brown area?” “That’s where Bob scribbled on it.” “And what’s that part there?” “That’s where Bob scribbled on it too,” said the rest of the team in unison, looking slightly peeved! Someone commented that “it’s best to keep a destructive team member like that well away from the work “because they just ruin it.”  Most nodded in agreement.

Then someone suggested that ‘If you have someone in your team that just scribbles all over everything. Then why don’t you give them the grass to colour in because that’s all over and there’s masses of it, and if they’re good at scribbling all over then you can give that to them as THEIR job, because that’s what they’re good at – and grass IS scribbly anyway.”

And so they all returned to their map making and made their various improvements. Bob was entrusted with colouring in all the grass and all was well.

Well, it certainly made me think!

And I’ve had many reasons since to be grateful for the learning of that marvellous bit of wisdom from a six year old child.