Archive for the ‘Stuff for Parents’ Category

The Step-Backwards Before Going-Forwards-For-Good.

Went to visit my sister’s neighbors today – Franz and Marie-Jeanne. They are lovely people who live in a beautiful cottage in rural Ireland with two beautiful dogs (one is the biggest Irish wolfhound I’ve ever come across), 12 cats and two horses – as well as the 26 cats in their well-run cattery.

Franz has been training their two horses to take to the traces so that they will pull a cart.  Marie-Jeanne told us how one of the horses had suddenly developed a problem. He had started to go backwards in his training. Since Wednesday he was refusing to back into the traces.

She continued to describe the problem with concern until my sister said, “Well that’s the step backwards before he goes forwards for good – it’s a good sign that you’re nearly finished.”

It reminded me that we see this all the time with the children in school. They seem to be learning something well and then they encounter difficulties and seem to go backwards just before they become competent.

You’ve probably seen it with babies learning to crawl or walk. First they teeter.Then they start to walk or crawl and it seems as though they’ve cracked it. Then they go through a stumbling phase – it’s as though they’ve lost the skill they had gained . And then suddenly, they’ve mastered the art of walking or crawling competently.

This stumbling phase is often one where children and adults give up – and sadly, it’s just before success comes but that success is still out of sight for them. Once you notice that this is a common pattern with learning, instead of becoming frustrated when things seem to be taking a turn for the worst, you can quietly celebrate, knowing that it is a sign that success close by.

So as I was enjoying the country air and the company of delightful animals and lovely people, I was reminded of an important lesson in learning. How will this help you with your own learning or in supporting your children’s learning confidence?

I’ve been enjoying a holiday staying with my sister over in Ireland. She’s coming to England soon for a family wedding and so we found ourselves reminiscing about family and children during long fire lit evenings in her traditional Irish cottage. We were talking about communication and for some reason I found myself remembering when my daughter was a teenager. We went through a phase when it was difficult to talk. Was she bovered? I don’t think so! (Mostly it was, “talk to my hand because my face isn’t listening!’)

…and then I remembered that the way to create rapport with another is to mirror and match and talk in their preferred style.

Simple!

All I had to do was to match her style.

But what was her style?

When I stopped to think about it, it seemed she didn’t have a style when it came to talking. I rarely saw her talk. She spent most of her time texting friends on her mobile phone.

Then I realised… that was her style!

I thought I’d give it try… so I texted her,

“Hi Jen How ya doin”

I had an instant reply.

Success!

But the surprising thing about it was that, from that moment, we also began to enjoy verbal conversations as well. So I learned that it is always worth stopping to consider ‘what is the other person’s communication style’ in its widest sense if you want to open effective channels of communication.

And it’s worth remembering that, once you’ve made the effort to enter somebody’s world in their own style, then you may find it’s all you need to do to start the communication and connection flowing – you won’t have to keep it up indefinitely. And that’s good to know, because keeping it up indefinitely might prove to be a bit of a struggle.

Talked to Lisa about reading homework with young (ish) children as well. She said she was delighted to hear my take on it so I thought you might like to hear it too.

Many parents ask for advice on how to get their youngsters to focus on their reading homework each day. Here is an approach that I’ve found usually works a treat AND it fosters a shared joy in a task that many find stressful.

• Remember that there are only two purposes for reading.                                                               1 – For enjoyment.                                                                                                               2 – To obtain information.
• Remember that if your child gets the message that reading is a chore then they will miss the joy that can come from purpose number one and they will find purpose number two (which is fairly unavoidable in life!) a chore.
• Know that on the other hand, if they experience a compelling motivation to read then they will be able to experience the life long benefits of reading for both purposes.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  So…how do you manifest a ‘compelling motivation’? Easy just like they do on any soap opera.
• Start with a familiar jingle, build the story to a pitch… and then STOP just when you’re really hooked.
• Find a good time that suits you both (sometimes this is just before breakfast, or just after breakfast or just before bed – it’s often NOT just after you get in from school – how would you like to be presented with more work as soon as you got home from work!)
• Next, start reading in a relaxed way, supporting your child to get meaning from the text without too much of a struggle (it’s not a test!).
• Then (and this is the most important part) notice when your child’s interest in the story rises. They may start to sit a bit straighter or start to talk about the picture, or make predictions, or you might just sense a shift in their energy or a look in their eye – you will become very skilled at noticing as your experience grows.
• …and then STOP. Say, “That’s all we’ve got time for now, don’t worry we’ll carry on with it tomorrow.”
• Do this every day and soon they will be hooked and begging for more (never give in – make them wait)
• This is how so many millions of us are hooked into watching rubbish tv – use it to the benefit of your child and you’ll both end up reveling in your reading sessions together instead of dreading them.

Let us know how you get on!

4.6.09

A parent stomped in with her child one morning. Both of them looked grumpy as usual. The child had her arms crossed across her chest and was doing little stomping actions with her feet as she walked and her face was all puckered up and frowning. Her Mum told me she was being run ragged. “She’s always running around and she never does as she’s told, it’s a nightmare in the mornings!

ALWAYS, NEVER, NIGHTMARE.

So I said to her, “ALWAYS? Has there never been a time that she’s not running around?” … and of course when she thought about it there were times when she was calm and settled.

So I said, “NEVER? Has there never, ever been one time when she does what she’s told?” … and again there were times when she had done what she’d been told.

So I let Mum know the trick of beginning to notice when she gets what she wants and mark it, with a hug or a smile, wink, thumbs-up or a little touch (anything quick and easy and WARM)

As we were speaking her child, who had been hopping around the room until then, sat down and began to look at a book. So I said, “…like this” and went across, smiled and said “It’s lovely to see you sitting still reading a book, are you enjoying it?” She said “yes”, smiled back and settled more deeply into her book (looking a bit chuffed with herself!)

I went back to Mum who was obviously surprised that her child could settle so quickly and easily. I suggested she give it a go. So we watched and waited until her child was very still and absorbed and then

Mum went over and gave her a hug and said the some similar things. Her child settled into the hug and smiled, she read a little excerpt to her Mum, kissed her and waved her good-bye before becoming engrossed in the book again.

This was a turning point for the two of them. Mum was shocked how something so simple can have such a huge effect. She also appreciated that although it was simple, she did have to stay alert to notice those moments and mark them with a little bit of warmth – and disciplined to keep her attention consistently alert to them. But she knew it was worth a little bit of effort for what they gained.

Life at home began to improved for them both and mornings in school became ‘grump’ free. So it’s smiles all round now!

Why It Is The Duty Of Every Parent To Put Them-selves First!

From as early as I can remember my mother worked hard selflessly at a job and at home to bring us up and give us a good start in life. She kept the house, dealt with the laundry, ironed and mended clothes (yes, mending clothes and darning socks was still in vogue when I was a youngster) and still managed to have a proper dinner ready for us every evening AND she baked a Victoria sandwich cake every Sunday. Her earnings were put towards our family holidays and on funding our interests and hobbies as we grew.

It sounds as though she was a bit of a Superwoman; the kind of Mum we all aspire to and in many ways she was. Of course there were times when she couldn’t keep up with everything but most of the time she balanced work, home and family and community responsibilities skilfully.

You’ll find many articles in magazines and on the web giving advice on how to balance career and family life and often they will explain the importance of looking after yourself first – so that you’ll have the energy to cope. A common metaphor for this rationale is that of the airline attendant explaining to the passengers that “In the event of loss of air pressure in the cabin, an oxygen mask will drop down. Put your own mask on first before assisting any child travelling with you” The idea is that if you don’t attend to your own needs you will not be in a resourceful position to help others.

Now, while this perspective has a lot going for it, I find myself wondering if there might be a far more important reason why parents should put themselves first. You see, children learn what they live; they learn from example. If they grow up seeing you sacrificing yourself for their sakes; ‘giving up’ in order to give to them, then that is what they will learn as the norm.

Think for a minute. What do you want for your child?

When I ask this of parents they invariably reply with something along the lines of,  “I want my child to have all that they want in life.” or “I want them to be able to do the things that they choose.” or “I want my child to be happy.”

So how do they model this for their children?

If they really do want these things for their children, why do so many parents model self-sacrifice and self-denial?

If you want your child to give themselves the best in life when they grow up – then show them how, by giving yourself the best (BTW giving yourself ‘the best’ doesn’t mean that you have to exclude your child nor that is has to cost you piles of money either!)

Whatever you value for your child – give (be/do) it to yourself  NOW and by doing that you will be giving them permission to give (be/do) it to themselves too.

When you look at things from this perspective it starts to look like a parental DUTY to have a great life and definitely NOT something we have to put off until the children are grown.

What do you think?

Post your comments on the blog.